Aug 13
Derailing. I think this is the word that describes it the best. I am spiraling out of control. Just weighed in this morning with a 7 POUND WEIGHT GAIN. I know this is my fault. I went to the lake this weekend and binged on beer and chips and god knows what else. I’m not sure what else to say about that. I know what I did wrong, I know what i need to do, I just need to do it…
Here is to not having a breakdown? Ya, sure that’s it….
Hopefully I have a more positive post in the future.
Well, like the title says, I now know why I haven’t been losing any weight. I mean, I had a good idea. I am STILL not tracking anything and working out can really only help so much. So today, I decided to go ahead and clock in EVERYTHING I ate today.
So let me break this down for you. I get 36 WW points allotted to me for one day. Today, I had 65 points worth of food! 65!!! And I didn’t even binge like I have a few times in the last month. This is a normal 3 meal day!
With that said, I needed to come to blog and vent and stress. Maybe this is exactly what I needed to see to jump start me back up again. I want to lose the weight. I want this so badly. Now if only I could get it together.
Well, has someone fallen off the bandwagon with this blog, or what? So sorry for being MIA these last few… weeks? Man. Also, thank you to Chara for texting me about updating this blog. It might have been a few more weeks had she not asked.
Now, while I have stopped posting as often, I am proud to say that I am still battling with staying on the weight watchers program. It’s been tough, and my success rate has been dismal for the most part, but I am still battling it out. Also, I am not starting over at square one, I am still between 12-15 lbs of weight loss, which is good and bad. It’s bad, because I haven’t moved out of that range for a month, but good in the sense that I haven’t gained much more than a pound back.
However, the plateau is definitely my fault. I have been struggling. I’m pretty sure since the 4th of July I haven’t tracked hardly anything. Tracking is about 90% of the battle. I’ve pretty much been eating whatever for a full month. The fact that I haven’t gained more than a pound or two overall is a miracle.
I have been back on track with tracking and working out though this week. I am SO SO SO close to my first WW goal of 218 pounds, so I have been extra motivated. Although, I have been weighing myself every morning and the results are dismal. I either am not moving a pound, or (like this morning) have gained one back. I think it might have something to do with my PMS slowly approaching. I mean, last month I had a 7 lb gain in one week and then an 8 lb loss the next. Now that I have been doing this for 12 weeks, I can see these patterns and know to not be discouraged.
On a different note, I am starting to see myself differently. Not so much in a satisfaction from weight loss, but more so in a, “I’m effing hot, even at a larger size” kind of way. I am starting to feel more confident and putting my mind in a good place. It’s helpful, because when I do have victories, it’s just like icing on the (low-fat) cake. Instead of me picking on all these insecurities, like, “well, I lost 5 lbs, but my thighs still jiggle and my face is still round,” it’s more like, “man, I lost 5 lbs and I look EVEN BETTER.” It’s a much healthier way to work on yourself.
Well, that’s all I have for this update post. :)
Here’s a picture of me at the gym:
Hahahhaha, just kidding,here we go:
Just kidding again!
So, I have mentioned briefly that I have been working out like CRAZY these last few… days? Who knows, time isn’t important. My working out consists of me going to different classes offered at the gym.
Each class is 60 minutes long and is usually taught by different instructors. I like going to classes because it’s like working with a trainer for free! I’ll do body pump on Monday and Wednesday, Hip Hop on Tuesday (which, OMG. BEST CLASS EVER!) and then Bootcamp +Core on Thursday and then recover over the weekend.
These classes are really good but definitely really challenging. Also, I go to a REALLY pretentious gym. It’s in downtown, it’s a Gold’s, it overlooks the city, everything in it is new, and everyone in it is young and incredible attractive…. Imagine Ben Stiller in Dodgeball (and I am Vince Vaughn):
Needless to say, I am 98% of the time the fluffiest person in these classes. I am not necessarily the most out of shape (because looks can be deceiving!) but sometimes I feel like people are judging me. So, instead of feeling insecure I push myself, and then immediately tell everyone to suck it.
Just kidding, I don’t tell them that. But I do push myself, because I like to show people that just because I am big doesn’t mean I can’t be active or do the things they can do (for the most part. I’m still working on pushups…. But, to be fair, I have NEVER been able to do a pushup).
The class on Monday is probably the craziest thing I have ever done. It’s a body pump class, but I think it is pretty much what Bootcamp in the military is like. I mean, I don’t know and it probably isn’t that bad, however… If I ever wanted to join the military before, I have quickly changed my mind because of this class.
Now listen. I have played lots of sports before, experienced lots of “Hell Week”‘s and worked with a lot of fitness trainers in my day. Taking this class is the first time in my life that I almost threw up from working out. I have never even gotten close before. The instructor was like, “Ok, now pick up your free weights again….” and I’m just like, “Sooooo, I’m going to modify this and NOT pick up these weights, or I will throw up on all of these beautiful people.” It’s Thursday right now, and I am fairly certain that the soreness in my back is still from that class.
So my new fitness goal. To COMPLETE that class in it’s entirety. I think it’s going to take me a while. I mean, there were buff frat boys in that class that couldn’t keep up. It was bananas. However, I was proud of myself for making it all 60 minutes without throwing up or even walking out. And I am proud to say that I will be back on Monday.
“Thank you sir, can I have another?”
Jul 13
I have ranted before about becoming healthy and not skinny. While this is of course a struggle for me, (and unfortunately for a LOT of other girls too) I try and fill my internet time with positive messages about women and the way women should perceive themselves. I think it is really important that we start understanding all the wonderful things our bodies provide for US. I emphasize “us” because let’s be real, that’s really what’s most important. What isn’t important is what society wants us to be or to look like. I have said it before, and I will say it again. We are ALL beautiful regardless of our size. It’s society that makes us feel bad for not looking a certain way.
With that said, it is also very important to be healthy. You do not need get diabetes at 25 years old or die of a heart attack at 50. We need to live of course, and we need to live life to it’s fullest! If we are sick, it’s difficult to do that. But I digress.
Where this is all going… I was looking at a feminist blog today (heck yes!) and stumbled upon this RADIATING woman who has a fashion blog. Seeing all these photos of her inspired me to a) dress way cuter than I currently do and b) realize that big is also beautiful and being curvy is NOT a fashion death sentence. A point I seem to forget a lot.
(photos from nadia aboulhosn’s blog here)
I may or may not get to my original 130 lb days that I was in high school. If I do, cool, that’s the size I feel the most comfortable in and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. However, I need to stop this self-hate I have all the time. Despite my more negative inner-dialogue, I am NOT ugly. I am beautiful even at 200+ pounds. I feel like it’s my duty now to keep pushing this mind set viral. So many girls I know are just so cruel to themselves and destructive because they aren’t the cookie cutter that society tells them they need to look like (not that that “cookie cutter” look is bad, more power to girls that look like that) and this needs to stop (and trust me, if I am telling you this… someone that has gained 100 pounds AND is from Southern California, it is sound advice and I have DEFINITELY been in your shoes before).
Live your life. Be happy. You are so beautiful and have so much good to offer this world but you won’t be able to until you feel good about yourself.
Start a revolution. Stop hating your body ;)
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